I promised you all a blog, and by gosh, I am going to deliver you a BLOG. Quite a bit has transpired since I announced I was going dark on the web, or taking a break, or whatever you want to call it. I’ve been successful with not drinking. It’s actually nice because I am able to process things without wanting to numb the feelings. Avoiding sweets……thats another story. I mean damnit yall ITS THE HOLIDAYS!!!! Cookies and truffles and brownies and cakes and pies. I’mma do better I promise lol.
Let’s get into the real meat of this blog post though. The yoga-ing. My first weekend in class I was so nervous. I did not know what to expect and I only knew a few people that would be taking the training. By the end of the weekend, I had a whole new family and group of friends. We practiced. Alot. We studied how certain poses affect the body. We practiced being comfortable in silence and holding space for another person.
Lets talk about that for minute. You don’t realize how difficult it is to just be when you have to…well just be. We did two different exercises on two different days. The first, we sat knee to knee with a partner and we looked into each others eyes. And we took time to just really see that person. It felt so weird at first, but after a few minutes, it was amazing how much I was able to FEEL that person, just by looking at them. Then we took turns telling one another what we felt our super power was. Out of respect for the process, I won’t delve too much into this, only to say it felt good to talk about that thing without judgement. And it felt good to allow someone else to do the same. The second go round was much more challenging. We had to channel our fear. And once we did there was no conversation. We just looked into the other persons eyes, and held space while they processed. Aaaannnd process I did lol. The way the tears flowed and how without a word, I felt that person say to me “you are safe”. How we connected to a shared fear without a single word spoken. THIS WAS ONLY THE SECOND DAY, FAM!
After all was said and done I was sore. I became familiar with salt baths, that saved my life that day lol. And I felt re-energized. Ready to start brand new. Get my practice on everyday. Journal, study, repeat. And then… I got bronchitis. and I was P I S S E D. Mad at myself. I felt guilty. I felt ashamed. Then I realized that I ALWAYS feel like this when I have to stop to take care of myself. Why? ….. Oh….. “What do you fear?”
My fear….is that I am not worth the life that I have been blessed to live. And whenever a monkey wrench is thrown into that life, that fear rears it’s ugly head and says “see. You ain’t shit. You don’t really have what it takes to do this!” But then I remembered my super power …empathy. And I channeled our exercise, and I made fear stare empathy in the face. And empathy said “I acknowledge you fear, but you will not derail this process. She is allowed to take care of herself, so she continue to do the work. That makes her stronger then anything physical that she could accomplish. The act of loving herself.”
And so this journey continues.